questions for god: what is a fair price for my daughter?

Dear God,

schmoo has been reading the Bible and is wondering :

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? Or ask Westiminster Council to put an ASBO on them.

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her on E Bay?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? Can I own a Irish or French slave as I am British? Technical point: I was born in Syria - can I have an Iraqi or Israeli or Lebanese slave?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath doing a stall in Camden Market. Exodus 35:2.The passage clearly states he should be put to death for this. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? Or can I hire a hoodie wearer? He is only selling bongs and rolling papers.

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? Which is worse: invadng Iraq, or nuking Iran, because this might save lives by shortening the war?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20? Are contact lenses acceptable? Does this mean I should avert my gaze while watching 'Songs of Praise'?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? What about Singapore where long hair is prohibited because the ruler hates hippies? Is nuking the god awful place really ok?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? Is it transferable? Could I get it off Posh Spice? Does anti-bacterial soap work? A friend says it won't work for bird flu.

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/hemp blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14).

Just wondering, 'love and light', schmoo