Someone has leaked 'confessional' internal emails from 'Big Brother' minions in the Home Office which reveal their fears about the 'holy' plan to give every soul in Britain an ID Card.
The ID Card's 'killer application' is that it will prevent 'identity theft' - and guarantee access to Heaven.
Despite his fears of failure and certain death, the new 'Son of Big Brother', John Reid, is determined to press ahead with the "God's Work" (the New Labour manifesto promise to issue ID cards) - even though the 'Heaven' night club has been closed for years.
The problem is that issuing an ID card to a 'soul' has so far proved impossible. All the Home Office has managed is to take people's fingerprints and DNA samples, and do retina scans.
Not even the latest 'Big Brother' CCTV cameras have been capable of 'capturing' a single soul - only 'hoddies' and fare dodgers.
David Blunket who was once Home Sectretary (before being executed for sleeping with an American woman) told the BBC today (in an interview from the dead) that he still believes in the ID Card Theology. He said there is "Do doubt what so ever that they will happen" (when pigs fly and McDonalds goes Vegan).
However, it now emerges that the tendering process for finding a company to take the ID Card contract has been abandoned. Apparently the only company to put in a serious offer was the 'Jehovah Witnesses' (a multi national door-to-door sales corporation).
The Jehovah Witnesses claim that their customers, whose names are recorded by them on a massive database kept in a cave in America, will be 'saved' when Armageddon happens (which they say will occur before the next World Cup).
• Meanwhile Satanists are campaigning against the ID Card - by issuing free tickets to 'Hell', a trendy 'Goth' club.