jacqui smith: zanussi crisis looms

There is absolutely no sympathy for Jacqui Smith here at the safe house. She is the worst ever Home Porn Secretary since the last one. Her crimes against humanity include being responsible for increasing penalties for possession of cannabis against all the expert health advice, and refusing to release Ronnie Biggs, which should be added to the serious benefit fraud charges against her. Hopefully her husband has also been smoking spliffs while watching porn, he looks the type and deserves a break.

However things are going to get even worse for Jacqui Smith, even though it is hard to see how anyone could get much lower than claiming 88p for a bath plug.

the system: easy wash, easy fail

The bad news for Jacqui is she brought a Zanussi washing machine. They are absolute crap. In about 2-3 years the Zanussi will stop working because the electronic push button panel fails and then the whole machine is useless. They should have told her at John Lewis, because they know all about it even though they still sell them. The Zanussi washing machine costs £300 and replacing the button panel costs £295 including labour. So Jacqui, or her husband, if she still has one by then, will have to do her washing in the bath, because by 2011 or so all the washing machine manufacturers will have been taken over by the anarchists, so there won't be any washing machines available anymore, except for top anarchists of course.

But maybe Jacqui knows all this because the greedy woman appears to be claiming for two washing machines. Or is that what they all do?

• consumer advice: avoid push button electronic panels on washing machines, they always fail. Go for dial systems and your washing machine could last until the end of civilization (five year guarantee).

diy stonehenge building technique

With the G20 meeting just days away, last minute preparations for the end of capitalism as we owed it continue at the safe house somewhere in central London. We are using the Wally Wallington DIY Stonehenge building technique [video above] for our anti tank defences, as judging by the media hysteria, the Army is sure to riot at some point.

• Anarchy Back in the UK
• The Age of Rage
• The Observer
• The Masks of Anarchists
• Passionate Anarchist Meeting Bugged (audio)
• Close the Banks - this is one debt we owe ourselves.

put people first march flops

They were marching today in London supposedly to 'Put People First' [above], but despite claims of up to 150,000 people on liar sites like indymedia, the people did not turn up. The marchers pictured above were the most organised crew - and they were from Belgium! The march was an embarrassing flop supported by perhaps two thousand people at the most, when up to 80,000 were expected. There were almost more people waiting for a bus [below] than on the straggly protest, which seemed to be more about selling Socialist Worker than anything else. As most people know, Socialist Worker is run by M15 to discredit the Left, and make people vote Boring.





















Later a few more people turned up well late to hear a load of crap speeches from small minds in the freezing cold like the total masochists they must be. The Independent says 35,000 ... or is that how few readers they have now? What a waste of time. The left in Britain is virtually extinct, and what is left is now almost as stupid as the right, and just as capable of totalitarianism - and total lies.

shit for fake anarchists

Next on the agenda [April 1/2] are some fake "anarchists", mostly government dole recipients, who are being massively promoted by the Evening Standard. They are being led down the garden path to nowhere by idiots like 'anarchist' Professor Chris Knight. He has publicly supported the plan to string up effigies of bankers from lamp posts. This sounds more like what fascists would do than anarchists. Chris Knight later gave a very weak defence after he was justifiably suspended from teaching young people. Security at the safe house will be at maximum alert this week; if any anarcho-fascist lynch mobbers try to use our street's lamp posts for executions they will find themselves covered in real human shit (to go with themselves).

• The police are to use 50,000 volt tazor guns on violent trouble makers at the G20 demos. This might seem like good news, but if they kill someone it will be the excuse for every petty crook and shop looter and a lot of very pissed off credit crunched shopaholics to go on a massive rampage like they did in Greece - then we will need an IMF Bailout for sure.

UPDATE: The 35,000 figure being quoted by the Independent and other media whore organisations comes from the police who in most cases correctly estimate less than the often self deluding or just plain dishonest organisers of demos. In this case it seems the police felt they had to put out a higher number to justify the massive cost of policing the event to the public. Usually demo organisers dispute the police estimates - but in this rare case there has not been a murmur of dissent at the massive over estimate of numbers officially put out to the press.

jade: hello, ok, goodbye

• Jade is innocent ok

gordon brown gets a right rich tory party kicking

right

Members of the Tory Fan Club For Rich People over at our very Rich Tory informer's blog Guido Fawkes [named after the traitor to democracy Guy Fawkes] are having premature ejaculations about the admittedly fairly brilliant piece of Brown Baiting [above video] by right wing Rich Tory MEP Daniel Hannan today.

The Rich Tories are even glowingly comparing the Hannan tirade to Enoch Powell's racist 'Rivers of Blood' speech which sparked dispicable racial attacks all over Britain.

As the Tory Party is with out a shadow of a doubt the party for nasty rich people, they are against any support Gordon Brown can muster for the true wealth creators - the unfortunate wage slaves who do all the actual work. Being so much richer than everyone else these Rich Tories think they will be able to ride out the bad times while everyone else is suffering.

Usually they would be right. The disgustingly rich usually do well in bad times for everyone else, but without massive government intervention which the Rich Tories are ideologically opposed to because it helps poor people, this time things could be very different.

The number of billionaires worldwide has gone down from 1,225 to 793 in the last year according to Forbes, and their combined wealth has dropped from $4.4 trillion to just $2.4 trillion.

This is what the Rich Tory Party do not understand about Brown - he knows exactly how serious this is. He knows we are all just four meals away from the worst kind of anarchy imaginable; much worse than any Daily Mail article. What would you do after you have not eaten for 48 hours and Tesco's has already been looted?

One day, after a lot of wasted days have passed, and a great deal of stupidity, slavery will finally be repealed, and everyone will be free. Even the sad rich people will be free, and they will find they are actually happier living in close knit, loving families and communities, working as hunter gathers and 'techno peasants', growing food, rebuilding the Internet and the National Health Service.

That is of course if they survive the crazy lynch mobs in the Euro Zone food riots, and the following Dark Years when the world becomes one big Somalia, and crack dealer war lords rule London, with the support of deranged British Army Afgan veterans who got hooked on Taliban smack during the 2009 troop 'surge'.

We risk all of this horror because the Rich Tories want to continue slavery and slag off Gordon Brown while abandoning most of their slaves to mass starvation and homelessness. At least Gordon Brown cares a bit about the slaves. He also knows a Slave Uprising would be a human rights disaster, most likely leading to a totalitarian dictatorship by someone from Essex.

The sickening thing is that David Cameron and his Tory Party For Selfish Rich People just want power so they can bring back Woolworths, and afford an extra gardener, as well as a butler, a cook, and a nanny from Sweden to fuck on the side, while everyone else is considered expendable.

There is just one thing the Rich Tory Party has forgotten - the people they consider expendable will be voting Labour at the next election.

timeline of re-coinage, coin-clipping, debasements, bankruptcies, manias, panics, crashes, recessions, & depressions since 1278 A.D.

1278 A.D Coin clipping.
1557 State bankruptcy (France & Spain).
1558 Re-coinage of 1558.
1557 Spain bankrupt.
1607 Spain bankrupt.
1614 Bankruptcy (Augsburg).
02/1622 (February 1622) Debasement of coin.
02/1637 (February 1637) Market debasement (first recorded joint-stock debasement).
1696 New-coinage in England (carried out by John Locke and Issac Newton; speculation: East India Company, treasure, new companies, lotteries) (silver-re-coinage in England til 1698).
1720 Object of speculation: Selected companies: South Sea Company, Compagnie d'Occident, Sword Blade Bank, Bank Generale, Bank Royale (Isaac Newton is said to have lost 20,000 English pounds in public funds in the South Sea Bubble; Newton is Master of the London Mint until 1727).
04/1720 (April 1720) England speculative peak.
05/1720 (May 1720) France Crisis (crash, panic) Failure of John Law's Mississippi Company leads to French national bankruptcy.
09/1720 (September 1720) England Crisis (crash, panic) South Sea Bubble.
1740 Gradually the British government began to restrict the rights of the colonies to issue paper money. A dispute arose involving a "Land Bank or Manufactury Scheme" in Boston, and the following year the British parliament ruled that the bank was illegal in that it transgressed the provisions of the Bubble Act of 1720 passed after the collapse of the South Sea Bubble.
09/1763 (September 1763) Amsterdam Crisis (crash, panic).
01/1773 (January 1773) Market Crash Amsterdam (note: Britain?) East India Company, Housing, Turnpikes, Canals.
03/1792 (March 1792) Market Crash (U.S.).
02/1793 (February 1793) Market Crash (England) Reign of Terror, France, Canal Mania.
02/1797-06/1979 (February-June 1797) Market Crash (England) Collapse of assignats, French landing, Fishguard, securities, canals.
08/1799-11/1799 (August-November 1799) Market Crash (Hamburg).
1810 Market Crash (England).
1811 Austria bankrupt.
01/1811 (January 1811) Market Crash (England).
1816 Market Crash (England).
11/1818 (November 1818) Beginning of Market Crash (U.S.).
06/1819 (June 1819) End of Market Crash (U.S.).
1819 Depression.
12/1825 (December 1825) (note: "early") Market Crash (England) Latin American Bonds, Mines, Cotton, Bonds sold in installments, country banks.
12/1827 (December 1827) Market Crash (France, Paris Banks) Canals, cotton, building sites.
1828 Depression.
12/1836 (December 1836) Market Crash; England.
06/1837 (June 1837) Market Crash (France).
09/1837 (September 1837) Market Panic/Crash (U.S.).
1837 Depression.
10/1847 (October 1847) Market Crash (England) Railways, Railroad shares, wheat, installment sale of railway securities, 1846 potato blight, wheat failure.
03/1848 (March 1848) Market (Continent) Railways, wheat, building
(Cologne?).
30/08/1857 (August 30 1857) Market Crash (U.S.) Railroads, public lands; Objects of speculation: Railroad shares (France & United States)
10/1857 (October 1857) Market Crash (England) Railroads, wheat, bank mergers, clearinghouse.
11/1857 (November 1857) Market Crash (Continent) Lender of last resort: Silberzug (Hamburg).
01/1864 (January 1864) Market Crash (France) End of Civil War.
05/1866 (April 1866) Market Crash (England, Italy) Suspension of Bank, Italy abandoned fixed parity.
24/09/1869 (September 24 1869) Black Friday.
05/1873 (April 1873) Market Crash (Germany, Austria).
20/09/1873 (September 20 1873) Panic of 1873; Market Crash (U.S.).
Fraud exposed in 1872 campaign, railroads, homesteading, Chicago (Peshtigo) building.
1873 Depression.
01/1882 (January 1882) Market Crash (France).
11/1890 (November 1890) Market Crash (England) Lender of last resort: Baring Liabilities, Bank of France, Russian gold loans to Britain, Argentine clearing of southern lands, Brazil, coffee, Chile, nitrates, South Africa, gold, Argentine securities, private companies going public, Goshen conversion.
20-21/03/1893 (Spring) (March 20-21 1893) Market Crash (Australia).
05/05/1893 (April 05 1893) Market Crash (U.S.) Panic of 1893; Repeal of Sherman Silver Act.
27/06/1893 (June 27 1893) New York Stock Market Crash.
1893 Depression.
09/11/1903 (November 09 1893) End of crash of 1901-1903.
08/1907 (August 1907) Market Crash (France, Italy).
15/11/1907 (November 15 1907) End of crash (U.S.).
19/12/1917 (December 19 1917) End of current crash (U.S.?).
20-21/03/1921 (Spring) (March 20-21 1921) Market Crash (Britain &
U.S.).
24/08/1921 (August 24 1921) End of 5th worst market crash in 20th century.
1921 Depression.
1927 "Black Friday" in Germany; economic system collapses.
1927 Brazil's economy collapses owing to over-production of coffee.
29/10/1929 (October 29 1929) Stock Market Crash.
1929 Depression.
17/04/1930 (April 17 1930) Start of worst market crash of 20th century; Starting DJIA: 294.07; Ending DJIA: 41.22; Total loss: 86.0%; Number of days: 813.
05/1931 (May 1931) Market Crash (Austria).
06/1931 (June 1931) Market Crash (Germany).
09/1931 (September 1931) Market Crash (Britain).
12/1931 (December 1931) Market Crash (Japan).
10/03/1937 (March 10 1937) Start of 2nd worst market crash of 20th century; Starting DJIA: 194.40; Ending DJIA: 98.95; Total loss: 49.1%; Total days: 386.
1937 Recession.
31/03/1938 (March 31 1938) End of crash.
12/09/1939 (September 12 1939) Beginning of 8th worst stock market crash in 20th century; Starting DJIA: 155.92; Ending DJIA: 92.92; Total loss: 40.4%; Total days: 959.
28/04/1942 (April 28 1942) End of 8th worst market crash in 20th century.
1958 Market Panic/Crash (France) Speculation in currencies.
1962 Market Panic/Crash (Canada).
1963 Market Panic/Crash (Italy).
1964 Market Panic/Crash (Britain).
1968 Market Panic/Crash (France).
1972 Recession.
11/01/1973 (January 01 1973) Beginning of 7th worst market crash in the 20th century; Starting DJIA: 1,051.70; Ending DJIA: 577.60; Total loss: 45.1%; Related to: Collapse of Bretton Woods, OPEC 1973 price rise, stocks, REITs, office buildings, tankers, Boeing 747s, Eurodollar market flooding in 1970-1971.
12/1974 (December 1974) On the last trading day of 1974, Gold reaches a high of $195.
31/12/1974 (December 31 1974) The U.S. government ends its ban on individual ownership of gold.
01/1975 (January 1975) U.S. government legalizes gold ownership for American citizens.
30/08/1976 (August 30 1976) Gold bottom at $102.
1979 Market Crisis/Panic; dollar, farmland.
1980 Market Crisis/Panic; related to: oil.
21/01/1980 (January 21 1980) Gold reaches intra-day high price of $870 in New York.
1982 Market Crisis/Crash/Panic; related to: third world debt.
1982 Deep Recession.
21/06/1982 (June 21 1982) Gold bottom at $296.
19/10/1987 (October 19 1987) Market Crash; market falls more than 500 points; related to stocks.
01/1990 (January 1990) Market Panic/Crisis; (Japan).
1994-1995 Market Crash (Mexico) related to: deregulation, capital inflow and outflow, domestic boom, bank lending, domestic new banks..
1991, nationalized banks privatized 1991.
1997-1998 Market Panic/Crisis (Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia, Korea, Russia, Brazil; related to: deregulation, capital inflow and outflow, borrowing abroad, bank lending, construction boom, crony capitalism.
02/2000 (February 2000) Start of worst market crash of 21st century; related to: Kenneth Lay was greedy?
10/03/2000 (March 10 2000) Nasdaq closes at 5048.62 after hitting an intra-day high of 5,132.52.
15/03/2008 Start of 2nd worst market crash of 21st century.

• Thanks to the mysterious Reinhardt who posted the above on google finance where he predicted the Sep 15 crash on Sep 5th, but is now banned by Google. His YouTube pages have also disappeared, and his website is down, except for a page that says "I told you so ;-) 6 for 6."

wife of AIG exec explains why bonus can't be returned

London G20: don't panic; prepare for the worst possible outcome

This very cool commentator [videos above & below] says 'Don't Panic' and then proceeds to give some very good reasons to be scared enough to start hoarding food and other emergency supplies. He also describes how buried in the agenda for the G20 meeting are proposals which amount to world government though something wierd called the Financial Stability Forum. This might be the only way to prevent the global collapse of civilization into one giant Somalia, but don't panic, it is never going to work. Here at the schmoo safehouse we are reinforcing our defences and wondering who our local war lord will be.

• As you may know April [next month] starts with April 1st, which is 'April Fools Day'. This year is going to be especially foolish, especially in London with the G20 meeting, and thousands of riot tourists from all over Europe, taking advantage of the low pound, and looting opportunities. The chances of there not being some kind of very stupid violence is almost zero. It seems the Evening Standard and Daily Mail are organising publicity as usual for the anarchist 'black block' and the Climate Camp eco-nazies, marginalising them as a bunch of self indulgent and hysterical idiots, which in fact they mostly are.



• "Lock Down" for London during G20 meetings.

diy certificate of debaptism

The National Secular Society is helping save the souls of thousands people from the curse of religion with a 'Debaptism Certificate' download which only costs £3, or you can print out your own for free and do a DIY Decontamination:

Certificate of Debaptism

I ________ having been subjected to the Rite of Christian Baptism in infancy (before reaching an age of consent), hereby publicly revoke any implications of that Rite and renounce the Church that carried it out. In the name of human reason, I reject all its Creeds and all other such superstition in particular, the perfidious belief that any baby needs to be cleansed by Baptism of alleged ORIGINAL SIN, and the evil power of supposed demons. I wish to be excluded henceforth from enhanced claims of church membership numbers based on past baptismal statistics used, for example, for the purpose of securing legislative privilege.”

The Secular Society claim over 100,000 people have downloaded the Certificate. This is surely a miracle. £3 per download x 100,000 = £300,000 virtually pure holy profit to help the crusade against religion corrupting the soul of democracy, stealing children etc etc.

flashback: remembering the plight of iraqi interpreters

This brilliant example [video above] of what you can do with some yellow 'post-it' notes about the plight of Iraqi interpreters who were about to be abandoned to their deaths by Britain was done by Bloggerheads in August 2007. So what happened to them in the end? Finally, after an intervention by Gordon Brown to give him credit, and a campaign by the Times, 2000 Iraqis and their families were secretly airlifted by Britain out of Basra in 2008. The first to arrive ended up in Slough.

• Bloggerheads latest video 'Pull Your Pants Up' has a complex plot which involves the viewer being hypnotised online, and having the chance to shoot flying Kalvin Clone underpants.

dead flag blues

DEAD FLAG BLUES

The car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn

We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death

The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

world builder

World Builder from Bruce Branit on Vimeo.

religion is danger to the soul

Thanks to Blu Gal for this eloquent Bloggers Against Theocracy promotion video. There is no doubt that religion is dangerous for the soul, and should never be allowed anywhere near government or children. "We don't do God" was one of the better lines from the Tony Blair era. Sadly in his personal life Blair has let his standards slip, and is now addicted to Catholicism, which is harder to quit than heroin.

sun soap adultery ends marriage in domestic argument

Here at the safe house we are not very interested in idle gossip about the misfortunes of others, except once in a while if it is really good, but this is fair dues, especially as it is not in The Sun:

Shock! Horror! Divorce court proceedings have revealed that in October 2006 beautiful Sun editor Rebecca Wade 40 [pictured left], discovered evidence that her husband, the hunky actor Ross Kemp 44, who played Grant Mitchell in East Enders, was having a steamy affair with another woman, but not another man. The court heard how in a tense and emotional scene, sexy Sun girl Rebecca confronted her virile husband with the evidence, but he broke down like a child and admitted everything. To the shock of neighbours, Wade then stormed out of the house in a fury, and bitterly swore to friends that she would never return.

• In 2005 the editor of The Sun was arrested for alleged husband beating.
• More at Bloggerheads, plus The Sun - Tabloid Lies is the Sun antidote blog.

telegraph hacked - 700,000 users passwords compromised

Above: The property section of the Telegraph website has been forced off line by hackers from Romania.

The passwords of 700,000 users of the Daily Telegraph Tory site have also been compromised but the Telegraph is still not warning them.

The Romanian group, HackersBlog has posted what they claim is evidence of Telegraph users password details. As 61% of internet users use the same password for everything this could spell disaster for a lot of people.

However, before anyone has a heart attack, (Torygraph readers tend to be older), this looks like it could be a non-criminal hack in which the hacker seeks credibility for the achievement rather than your cash.

This type of hacking is actually very useful as it warns incompetent ignorant people like the Daily Telegraph, who want to profit from the inter-net, but do not really understand the inter-web, to get their act together before real damage is done.

• UPDATE - Telegraph geek says "thank you" to hackers.

do we have a date with iran

Hillary Clinton has invited diplomats from Tehran to attend an international conference on Afghanistan on March 31 in the first major sweet-heart move towards Iran by the Obama Administration.

The US say they are working to an urgent deadline - preventing a mad Israeli attack, possibly nuclear on Iran's nuclear facilities. The Iranian response is that this is baloney, there is plenty of time, because they are nowhere near having the bomb (hard as they try); Israel could at least wait until they are almost done.

If the Americans are so worried about Israel attacking Iran, maybe they should just give Iran a bomb, they have plenty to spare, then Israel would never dare attack.

more reasons to be cheerful - death penalty crunched

The Credibility Crunch is forcing several US states to consider ending the death penalty because executions are too expensive; another stupid indulgence they can no longer afford.

"It's 10 times more expensive to kill them than to keep them alive," though most Americans believe the opposite, said Donald McCartin, a former California jurist known as "The Hanging Judge of Orange County" for sending nine men to death row.

In 2007, time and money were the reasons New Jersey became the first state to ban executions since the U.S. Supreme Court reinstated the death penalty in 1972.

• Celebrating the Credibility Crunch.

• Metaphor for America, anti-executionist poem by Eddie Woods.

• schmoo's credibility crunch package to restart britain

hunting and shooting progress in afganistan - none

US soldier poses with a dead Afghani man in the hills of Afghanistan [photo obtained by Wikileaks].

Wikileaks claims it has cracked the encryption password to a key Pentagon document relating to the war in Afghanistan.

Perhaps optimistically, the password chosen by the Pentagon was the word 'progress'. An ex SAS commander in Afghanistan, who resigned in protest at the way the war is being fought, has just described the current military operation as "worthless" and compared it to the war in Vietnam.

Here at the safe house supporting the defence of the majority of Afghan people, including education for Afghan girls, and women's rights, as well as defending ourselves against the spread of dangerous religious fundamentalism is a no-brainer. For the same reasons the Pope should definitely not be allowed into Britain.

Wikileaks seem to be making a big deal about these Pentagon documents, but they just seem to be outlining a reasonable approach to defeating a bunch of murdering religious zealots, by using education and propaganda, rather than just guns and bombs, which never seem to work on their own, if at all. Seems a good idea to try more peaceful methods.

OK so the documents show that Jordon 'secretly' has four men in Afghanistan, hardly a huge surprise, except that there are supposedly so few. Jordon has colluded with the torturing CIA for years.

video prophecy: the future of the internet

• epaper is almost here.

get ready to be itemised

Above: the Itemiser by GE Security Products (click image to enlarge).

All over Britain people are being 'itemised' by a new machine called the Itemiser which is being used by the police to test for drugs and explosives.

More than 400 people were 'Itemised' in one night by police in Reading recently.

The Itemiser is a desktop testing lab which can detect traces of all kinds of drugs and explosives in 7 seconds - and make life hell for the innocent recreational or medical cannabis user.

Designed to be highly portable it can run for 60 mins on rechargable batteries and can easly be set up at stations, airports, or outside cool clubs, major city financial institutions, weddings, funerals and at events like Ascot and the Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace.

Unless you play it safe and never go out ever again it is fairly likely that you will encounter this desk top civil liberties zapper sooner rather than later.

• GE Security Products should re format the Itemiser so it ignores cannabis and just looks for explosives, guns, knives and the stench of corruption.

• Also at News of the Weed

brown bores america

It is so hard to support Gordon Brown, hard as we try. How can someone who revived the 1970's racist 'National Front' slogan 'British Jobs For British Workers', lecture the American Congress on the perils of protectionism?

Not surprisingly Congress did not clap that bit, although there was polite 'rapturous applause' for Browns more sycophantic arse licking 'special relationship' lines. Blair understood the Americans so much better; they like a good joke, but Brown did not have a single one. He would do better in China.

Over all Brown seems to have bored himself off most US media. His 'Global New Deal' sounds like world government, but the only government the Americans want ruling the world is the US government.

Trouble is, a break up of the United States, similar to the break up of the Soviet Union, only far worse, is on the cards. Apparently sales of guns and ammunition in the US have almost reached panic buying proportions, with reports of ammo scarcities, even in Walmart. Sales of firearms in the USA jumped 28.8 percent in Jan 09 compared to Jan 08.

Civilization is only four meals away from the worst kind of anarchy imaginable. There is no doubt we all deserve a new deal; less work and more pay would be good for a start.

celebrating the credibility crunch

Excellent financial news today as UK car sales results for February show another major nose dive. Hopefully March will be even worse; March is usually the best car sales month of the year.

This news should be good for childhood Asthma rates, and the unacceptable deaths caused by cars. Unfortunately now people will be driving around in polluting and dangerous scrap heaps; used car sales went up 12% last month. This is partly why Germany is paying people to buy new cars. However, the only real solution is for the internal combustion engine to be banned as being too dangerous, like people said when the stinky killer machines were first invented.

It is also great to see ITV doing so badly, hopefully they will go bankrupt sooner rather than later. ITV don't deserve a bail out as the Daily Mail is already demanding. ITV's awful programmes like Emmerdale and the endless junk ads are just too bad to save.

• More good news pouring in - condom sales are up massively because people are making love more, or at least having more protected sex of some kind or other, instead of drinking themselves to death in pub's, eating crap at over priced crud restaurant's, and ending up back home watching ITV, feeling too sick for anything.

• schmoo's credibility crunch package to restart britain

surprise asteroid narrowly misses hitting earth

A previously unknown asteroid swept about 60,000 kilometres over the south-western Pacific today.

Estimated to be between 30 metres and 50 metres wide, the unwelcome gate crasher passed almost seven times closer than the moon, the closest near miss ever recorded.

anti bono forces gather

Finally there is someone in the Guardian who shares the deep suspicion of everything Bono which is practiced here at the safehouse.

Recently central London sounded like a war zone as U2 played outside the BBC accompanied by several helicopters played by the police and possibly the whore media. The musical result sounded like an terrorist attack might be under way, and we had to raise the safehouse security level to 'Red'. Bono's 'Red' credit card sales scam for American Express must be really suffering from the credibility crunch, he's gone very quiet on that. Bono really believed he could save the world with plastic.

Someone needs to show Bono a red card - and send him off.

credibility crunch quiz

Question: Who is the odd one out?

Lord Stevenson, former chairman, HBOS
Andy Hornby, former chief executive, HBOS
Sir Fred Goodwin, former chief executive, RBS
Sir Tom McKillop, former chairman, RBS
John McFall MP, chairman of Treasury select committee
Alistair Darling, Chancellor of the Exchequer
Sir Terry Wogan, presenter of Radio 2 breakfast show.

Answer: Sir Terry Wogan. He is the only one with a banking qualification.

• Brazil investigates UBS, Credit Suisse, AIG in money laundering probe.
• AIG trail leads to London 'casino'.
• schmoo's credibility crunch package to restart britain

toyota ireal - schmoo buyer's club

Above: recent YouTube demo video of the incredible Toyota iReal personal transport vehicle. For a much better look BBC's Top Gear did a very informative test drive review of the iReal recently.

As you might imagine, here at schmoo on the run's 'safe house' in central London we are always considering the best means of escape. Every safe house should have several.>

The amazing Toyota iReal personal transport unit is therefore of considerable interest. Of course this may be the beginning of the transition of humanity into a part-flesh part-machine species - but it had to happen sometime. We have just got to make sure humans are not turned into Daleks or Cybermen variations as
featured in Dr Who.

Daleks nightmares apart, the Toyota iReal could be a highly desirable and clever transport solution for millions, but unfortunately it is not available yet, as the iReal invasion of planet earth has not started. However there is a plan.

Toyota iReal Schmoo Buyers Club

If you are interested in buying the Toyota iReal as soon as possible, at the best possible price, you can join the absolutely no obligation 'Schmoo Advance Bulk-buy Purchase Discount Buyers Club', or 'Schmoo Buyer's Club' for short, right now. All you have to do is send a email to us saying you are interested. The moment the Toyota iReal vehicle is available, which could be more than a year or more away, you will be informed. You will also be informed of development news. We hope to have a sizable list of interested people by the time Toyota launches the iReal. United as a 'buyers union' via the 'Toyota iReal Buyers Club' we will negotiate a special deal with Toyota. If you are interested please email buyersclub at schmoo.co.uk, with 'buyers club toyota ireal' in the subject header.

• schmoo buyer club members [free registration], are beating the recession by joining no obligation buyers groups for the following items; electric bicycle, solar panel, windmill, spirilina [algae super food], sacks of organic brown rice [uk only], wide screen tv, apple computers, organic cold pressed hemp oil, cheap charter flights. Members can also apply to start and manage buyers groups for products not listed, subject to our super strict quality control and ethical policies.