cars cause homelessness

Above: Recently London mayor Ken 'Takeverything' backed a draconian 'Stalinist' crack down on 'Fare Dodgers' and 'Congestion Charge Fiddlers'. Apparently these anti social criminals are using a sneaky scam - they attempt to avoid paying fares on London Transport, or paying the 'Congestion Charge' by riding bicyles in central London.

• Normally we love Ken Livinstone, the people's hero, but not when he attacks bike riders.

Above: At the same time as Livingstone's purge on bike riders, an alliance of ruthless warlords known as 'Westminster Council' who control central London issued a new threat to the local population: all bikes locked up to railings or street lamp posts will be stolen - by them.

Above: Con artists try to trick bicycle users with false signs inviting them to lock their bikes to the railings.

NEW INVENTION: BICYCLE FLATS

Researchers at the 'schmoo safe house' have come up with a new invention: the 'Bicycle Flat'. This is not a 'flat bicycle' (which would also be a good idea for easy storage), nor anything to do with flat tyres, but a new way to fight homelessness and help stop the 'Green Belt' going concrete.

The Bicycle Flat works like this: Most housing projects have to devote large amounts of land and expence to provide car parking space for the residents of the new homes. A simple alternative would be to offer low cost public housing to people who agreed to use bicycles not cars. This would allow extra housing to be built on the space usually taken up by the estate car parks. Thease homes would be known as 'Bicycle Flats'.

Fact: Cars cause homelessness.