pagan police could leave crooks spell bound

Usually the news about the police is bad; they are always being blamed in the press for murder, assault, fraud, drug dealing, torture and so on.

So the unusual good news that there could be up to 500 pagan police people practicing witchcraft is very welcome. The Home Office has even recognised a newly formed Pagan Police Officers Association and a Pagan Police Group UK website is currently under construction.

Hopefully we will now see more police on broom sticks which would be a lot quieter than the helicopters the normal unpagen police use to hover over the safehouse at 3am. Also interrogation techniques using the power of witch craft could leave crooks spell bound, and avoid the need to use handcuffs and expensive tazor guns on violent drunkard idiots. Over crowding in police cells could be avoided by using the famous pagan miniaturisation spell as used in 'Honey I Shrunk the Kids'.

It is especially sweet that the pagan police are being given the right to take the Summer Solstice off, and even Halloween. This will greatly annoy the evil Salvation Army who campaign every year to ban Halloween because they think it encourages children to become Satanists. However it might be better to have pagan police protecting the Summer Solstice celebrations at Stonehenge rather than Christian ones. Because of their strange twisted beliefs Christians are apt to turn evil, like they did at the Battle of the Beanfield where they violently attacked the innocent pagans without mercy.

• Here at the safehouse we support the police unreservedly which is not always as easy as they make it sound in the Daily Mail, but we manage. Britain has got a great police force, there just should be more of them, especially on the streets, and they always need better equipment and should be paid more and given more medals, better pensions and more holidays.

• Our favourite police blog Sheepdogs & Wolves has closed down mostly thanks to the Times revealing the identity of NightJack another excellent police blogger whose career has been ruined. NightJack lost an important High Court test case in which it was ruled that bloggers do not have the right to remain anonymous. Damn! Ironic how it all started with NightJack winning the Orwell Prize which is meant to encourage political writing.