london safe house news: security clamp down

Above: Minder with a gun at 10 Downing Street - it's not fair, schmoo wants one.

Security at the 'schmoo' london safe house is really bad. The post man managed to get in this morning with a tax demand from Gordon Brown ... well actually it was 1pm because the post office have given up doing morning deliveries.

The hoodies upstairs let him in so they could steal the GIRO's, but the little creeps left all the bills.

Apparently every time someone in Britain puts a first class stamp on an envelope and remembers to post it, if they can find a post box, it costs the post office 5 pence. The 'Royal Mail' makes all their money off 100 customers; the government sending out dole cheques and tax demands, and 99 postal 'junk mail' spammers. The rest of us can get the bird flu, or be 'peak oil' victims for all they care.

It's been a bad week; after schmoo's JUDAS post the telephone went dead, but the broad band kept on going! Apparently this is a sure sign that the British Telecom (BT MI5) are putting in a new bug.

Then the Zanussi washing machine went crazy. The artificial intelligence 'fuzzy logic' went loopy, and the Zanussi started spinning backwards. Humanity is doomed - the guarantee on life on earth ran out two months ago. Got a techie friend to look at it; the parts cost £150 + £65 minimum call out, and and new one, perfectly priced, costs £399.

And we got the Italian election all wrong: bet the price of a bag of 'skunk' ('cannabis', 'marijuana', 'weed') on Berlusconi losing but 'Paddy Power' still won't pay out because it ain't settled yet. Now almost hoping Berlusconi will win because Prodi is so boring; typical 'do gooder' left winger - he is too nice for good sex.

Scooped the 'Guardian' on the 'US to Nuke Iran' story but it did not do any good. Bush sounded rattled on the BBC world service - "It's wild speculation' he kept on saying - so we know it must be true.

One of our body guards (Terry) said; "don't worry mate, he won't do it" (drop a nuclear bomb on Iran), but another one (the guy with the cross bow) said 'Yes he would." Wonder what the Duke of Edinburgh is thinking - we never hear anything from him, since Princes Diana was murdered.

Now the drains are blocked. Westminster Council have privatized the plumber - he's in Ibeza on ecstasy, ketamine, weed, bulls blood, viagra, coffee, tea, beer, wine, chips and more viagra.

Meanwhile had to chase the hoddies off - they really want to be hippies and tried to steal the bike, bloody environmentalists.